@sweetmomissa

Him: I thought you were spring cleaning today

Me: *stumbling* Did you even SEE the wine cabinet?

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@sickipediabot

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.

@realfunghi

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

@i_zzzzzz

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

@Reverend_Scott

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

@GabbbarSingh

All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. 🙂

@curlycomedy

Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.

@RobDenBleyker

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.