Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
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me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.