@sweetmomissa

Him: I thought you were spring cleaning today

Me: *stumbling* Did you even SEE the wine cabinet?

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@boy_from_school

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

@adamrensch

*accidentally walks into women’s restroom*
*plays it cool*
*sits down*
*finds comfort here*
*changes name to Janice*
*is alive*
*is free*

@MelvinofYork

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

@geekysteven

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

@jctwritesstuff

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

@IvoryGazelle

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

@robfee

Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.

@BBerrymore

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

@bellicosejason

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.