Him: I thought you were spring cleaning today

Me: *stumbling* Did you even SEE the wine cabinet?

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as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life


*accidentally walks into women’s restroom*
*plays it cool*
*sits down*
*finds comfort here*
*changes name to Janice*
*is alive*
*is free*


Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea


If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.


Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.


This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her


Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.


The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate


My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.