HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
You Might Also Like
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you