Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!