Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

*skinny dips into black hole

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO