Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Bringing back this classic

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA