Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure