Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Liquor Store Parking

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.