HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
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Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Velcrow