Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.