him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.