Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me