Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

🔦🌙👣

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit