Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Word!
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”