Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
listen closely
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE