Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.