Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
A double negative is a big no-no.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car