Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

And now we wait

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off