Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
You Might Also Like
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan