Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
You Might Also Like
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers