Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.