Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!