Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.