Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I love wikipedia
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*