Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair