Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
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ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.