Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.