Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
You Might Also Like
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
U talkin 2 me?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too