Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus