Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
SQUARREL
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”