Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish