Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”