Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.