Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You Might Also Like
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.