Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
when u come home smelling like another dog
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?