Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

I bet

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

I’m sorry…what?

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.