Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
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I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.