Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this