Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
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Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
#Caturday
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.