Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.