Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
When I snag the last meatball.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.