Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?