Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

making sure he doesnt get away

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.