Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

bad news gang

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who