Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Love it! 👍😂

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

I can’t wait!

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.