Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.