Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.