Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.