HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt