Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

yeah no that’s fair

Things will get butter, keep churning

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

going to the ER y’all need anything