Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?