Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”