Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

My work here is done

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.