Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.