Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Okay
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Somebody call the cops.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.