Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

I just want an internship man

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”