Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny