Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
“i am a sweet baby”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Kermit goes Blue.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow