Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
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*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar