Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts