Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

#CatsOnTwitter

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that