Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
You Might Also Like
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis