Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.