Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

plums roundup

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

You’re never alone. Theres mold

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.