Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all