Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
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how much for the angry fruit?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.