@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

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@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

@JCWisdomNuggets

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

@FunnyJokeBook

Parents: “Why don’t you come socialize with the family?” Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*

@jonnysun

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

@_troyjohnson

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

@bourgeoisalien

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

@InternetHippo

[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.