Anyone with a modern pc feels this pain
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
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Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-