Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
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* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.