Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
when u come home smelling like another dog
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
🤣🤣
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
groan^2
