Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
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MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
nobody’s gonna understand
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Brother?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
So glad we cleared that up
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
