Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

ㅤ

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*