Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

This is a bad sign

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

This is the one

Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.