Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My background check bounced.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true