Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

A decision was made here.

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.