Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.