Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

secret recipe

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

i dont have time for this

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

This will never not be funny to me.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.