Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

Schrödinger’s cookie

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives