Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.