Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me too 😆
