Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
new wife guy just dropped
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit