Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Lassie, get help!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.