Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.